Spankophilephilia: 25 Reasons Why Spankos are So Awesome (LOL 2011)

If you are a lurker here, then chances are you're a spanko as well. If not, then at least you're probably kinky enough to appreciate spankophilia from a distance (and if not, why are you here? the poetry?). Anyway, most spankos go through periods of self-doubt about their kink. Given that you've been lurking around here and other spanking sites without so much as a comment, my guess is that you're still searching for comfort with it all. I want to help—in the only way I know how.

When I get down and discouraged about my proclivities, I find it helpful to remind myself that spankophilia isn't just some DSM-IV-TR paraphilia, it's an awesome DSM-IV-TR paraphilia! So when I was looking for a way to show love to my lurkers, I decided to focus on what makes spanking so cool (or is it 'hot'...I can never keep track).

But then I realized spanking is an awesome practice (when consensual) only because spankos are awesome people. It's the folks, not the strokes. So I thought I'd show my love for lurkers by showing my love for spankophiles.  And so we have the list below.

Let me get a disclaimer out of the way. I rushed production of this post and was not able to research as much as I'd like. Inevitably, I probably have puns or jokes below that have appeared elsewhere (hell, I've certainly recycled a few of my own). If you've seen something before on another site and can send me a link, I'll be glad to credit prior art.

Without further ado, here are 25 reasons why spankos are so awesome:

1. We're a touchy-feely bunch, and yet still sticklers for formality.
2. We're the reason antique shops sell hairbrushes.
3. We're strong advocates for personal responsibility.
4. We have an attuned sense of rhythm and percussive dynamics.
5. We have an intuitive understanding of the physics of collisions and waves.
6. If a song lacks a strong backbeat, we'll provide one.
7. We know there's more than one way to roast a butt.
8. If there's whine at the table, then we know what'll be served after dinner.
9. We can spout off acronyms as good as anybody.
10. We know the sound of one hand clapping.
11. We can think of at least two uses for just about anything with a handle.
12. We understand the importance of clean underwear.
13. If one of us is up a creek, there's probably a paddle around.
14. We know that brats are best with toasted buns.
15. We've built up a lot of tolerance from our experience.
16. We know that when the going's about to get rough, it's best just to grin and bare it.
17. If one of us will take a bow, another will be glad to belt out a number.
18. We know that regardless of the color of a person's skin, it can always be made red.
19. We're quite good at keeping a count.
20. While we may still suffer heartache, we know how to deal with a pain in the ass.
21. While we may still have skeletons in our closets, at least we keep our corners free of cobwebs.
22. We never forget a birthday.
23. We get to the bottom of every question, or at least we take a crack at it.
24. We know that for any mistake, correction is always possible.
25. We know that no matter how painful the event, there's always an end in sight.

So now what can you do, awesome spanko? Well, why do you think spankos are awesome? Contribute a reason of your own. Or just say hello!

This list was composed for Love Our Lurkers, a wonderful tradition started by Bonnie at My Bottom Smarts.  Love Our Lurkers is a chance for us bloggers to show our appreciation to those who read our site, but for whatever reason choose not to comment.  The other purpose, of course, is to encourage these lurkers to de-lurk: that is, to take the plunge and leave a comment.  So let me say that I am grateful for all the readers of my blog, be they participants or lurkers.  I hope that you enjoy what you find here.  If you lurk at Ecce Spanko, or are just stopping by now, please consider leaving a comment on this post and on any others you wish.  I consider most of my posts timeless, so there's no need to be hesitant about leaving comments on stuff I wrote a while ago.  In particular, I invite you to enjoy my entry for last year's LOL. Be sure also to visit the many other sites participating in LOL.

On the contrary madam, I'll be heating up your butter forthwith!

I came across this lovely old tune this morning.  I don't know how much of a hit it was back in its day, but  it's definitely going into my Greatest Tushist Hits playlist.  Some sample lyrics follow the Youtube audio:

Everybody pinches me butter,
They won't leave me butter alone,
And nothing is better than butter
For keeping the old man at home.
Everybody thinks I'm old-fashioned
To sit on the things that are rationed,
You can pinch all me ham
And me plum and apple jam
But please leve me butter alone.

Isn't butter delicious?

Photo of girl licking girl courtesy of the 50 Lesbians, via the Pink Papers, and modified by Dioneo Daspanca.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...there was some spankin' goin' on.

This afternoon at the local nerd council, one of my bespectacled comrades remarked that today was Star Wars Day. I admit that I plum forgot (I know, for shame. You can deduct points from my nerd score). Since there's still a couple of hours left, I figured there was still time to post something in celebration, so here you go...

"You are a part of the Rebel Alliance and a brat!"

If you enjoy spanko-nerd humor and have both a spanking and Star Wars fetish, you might want to check out a piece I posted a while ago: "Some Sunday Silliness."  

Happy Star Wars Day!

May the Fourth be with you!

Still from Star Wars and hairbrush acquired from Google Images.  Composite by Dioneo Daspanca.

Fun with Memes #2

...continuing on a theme—er, meme.


There's an old saying attributed to Socrates that goes:

Get not your friends by bare compliments,
but by giving them sensible tokens of your love.

So I think he'd agree with the following...

I think I got this next one from The Body Shop's annual report to shareholders...

There's something about this next one that I hope will give you a chuckle...

Credits:

• Photo of two women courtesy of Sexy Little Things, via Naggisch (paddle added).
• Pie chart "Buyers of Bath Brushes" by Dioneo Daspanca.
• Photo of Katjia at chalkboard courtesy of Whipped Ass, via The Pink Papers.  Composite by Dioneo Daspanca.

Fun with Memes #1

...because why the hell not?

Every spanker should have this poster on his wall as a reminder:

And maybe keep this one in his pocket for handy reference:

This one isn't really an internet meme...yet.

Credits:

• Photo used in "Spankings" poster by Me in My Place.  Composite by Dioneo Daspanca.
• Flow chart "When to end a hand spanking" by Dioneo Daspanca.
• Photo of Katjia at chalkboard courtesy of Whipped Ass, via The Pink Papers.  Composite by Dioneo Daspanca.

I must be seeing things again...

The snow must be getting to me...

Or maybe it's being cooped up indoors...

Or having to navigate the icy roads...

Whatever it is, I have a pronounced desire to thoroughly spank the goddess of snow.  Have you seen that naughty Snowzilla?

Credits:

• Cloud photo courtesy of NASA's GOES-13 satellite.
• Naughty girl photo used for bump map courtesy of Ciao Bella.
• Composition by Dioneo Daspanca.

Types of Spanked Butts

Those of you who follow tushist Tumblrs probably have seen the
following image pop up on your feed:

But you may not have seen this one:

Cheers.

Credits:

• Original image courtesy of Tush.  Author unknown.
• "Types of Spanked Butts" composition by Dioneo Daspanca.
• Splotch for "The Van Gogh" taken from "Red Poppies and Daisies" by Vincent Van Gogh.

Last Christmas: The Spanko Version

My lovely readers, it's the most wonderful time of the year!  One of the things I love most about the season is its music.  The merry, the sacred, the mundane: I smile when I hear it all!

...well, almost.  There are some songs of the season that I can hardly stomach.  Now. the Christmas songbook reaches back centuries and just about every artist in that last fifty years has put out a Christmas album—most of them good.  Yet the radio and whatever musak service to which retailers subscribe seem to regurgitate the same playlist over and over and over again.  Most of these songs are just fine for the first few listens.  But by late December...bah, humbug!

Which brings me to Wham!  Damn Wham!  If I sound all worked up, it's only because the duo conspired in their naming so that one can not state, but only exclaim, about Wham!  I consider myself quite appreciative of a broad spectrum of music, but frankly, their songs make me want to go-go jump-jump out of a window.

So the other day, I was standing in line for coffee when their Christmas gem started to play.  I felt my stomach drop at that oh-so-familiar, synthesized introduction.  My first instinct was to flee, but...well, I really needed that coffee.  As a coping mechanism, inspired by Bonnie's work over the years, I tried to mold the song into something this spanko can smile at again.  In the spirit of the season, and in hope that it will aid you should you find yourself, without earmuffs, in the same situation, I thought I'd share with you what I came up with.

If it's not already on a loop in your head, here's the original:

The song has a rather irregular meter, so some of my modifications to the verses don't fit with Mr. Michael's utterances exactly.  But anyway, enjoy the butt-smacking rendition.

---

Last Christmas (spanko version)

Last Christmas, I spanked you real hard,

But the very next day, the sting went away.

This year, to double the tears,

I'll spank you with somethin' special.

Last Christmas, I spanked you so long,

But the very next day, a brat anyway.

This year, to be more severe,

I'll spank you with somethin' special.

Lil' kitten, you know why

I keep on having to put you 'cross my thigh.

Tell me baby, will you learn your lesson?

Well, if not, girl, it wouldn't surprise none. 

(Gonna spank you) I'll show you that I meant it

With this paddle—I hope I don't dent it.

Then you'll beg me to cool your ass,

But if I grant reprieve, I know I'd just hear more sass.

Last Christmas, I spanked you real hard,

But the very next day, the sting went away.

This year, to double the tears,

I'll spank you with somethin' special.

Last Christmas, I spanked you so long,

But the very next day, a brat anyway.

This year, to be more severe,

I'll spank you with somethin' special.

And now in gloom, you have teary eyes.

Your hide now sure could melt a bowl of ice.

My dear, I know you will misbehave again soon.

Gee, I guess I will then show you the wood spoon.

A face on a lover with a fire on her bum.

A girl in the corner with cheeks dark as a plum.

Now I'll show you more love, get over my knee again.

Last Christmas, I spanked you real hard,

But the very next day, the sting went away.

This year, to double the tears,

I'll spank you with somethin' special.

Last Christmas, I spanked you so long,

But the very next day, a brat anyway.

This year, to be more severe,

I'll spank you with somethin' special.

---

Happy holidays to all!

High/Low Captions #2

Connoisseurs of the adult blogosphere know that the captioned photograph is a popular theme. (Or is that "meme"?) I've often enjoyed captioned photos as a reader and would like to incorporate them more into Ecce Spanko. But I'm so indecisive. As I look at any given photo, I can't decide whether to try to be poetic or cheeky. So I'll hedge my bets and hope that you'll enjoy at least one of my takes on each image.

---

Do you smile to tempt a lover, or because you're at her doorstep?
She's clearly an art lover--and with good taste.

When you put like that, it really does look like a self-portrait.
(If you don't get this joke, please google "mona lisa da vinci portrait")

---

In employ of a tyrant—and loving it.

I'll teach you never again to forget my mint at turndown!

---

Down the savannah, through the brush, and into the valley:
digital exploration by manual means.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who needs help finding it.

---

Credits:

• Photo of art sampling woman courtesy of Eros Pics Logger, original source unknown.
• Photo of man and maid courtesy of Let the Sin Begin, original source unknown.
• Photo of lady on safari courtesy of Stranded Pearl, via Tempting Sweets: Visual Treats, original source unknown.

Limericks for Lurkers

For love of lurkers...

---

Lady in Belfast There now lives a lady in Belfast. She thinks that this blog's gone to hell fast.   I try to be comical,   With themes anatomical. Perhaps I need more pics of swell ass.

---

A Lady Near Carson City A lady lives near Carson City. My take on the Bard she found witty.   Well, tell me that, honey.   And that it was funny, Or e'en that my jokes are just shitty!

---

A Guy in North Somerset There lives a guy in North Somerset. No blog by a bloke will he comment at.   Dude, it's okay.   I won't think that you're gay. (Not that there's anything wrong with that).

---

A Lurker in Manassas A lurker who lives in Manassas Likes one in my series Ekphrassis.   I'm happy, I reckon,   I hope it's the second. Do tell! Don't just sit passing gases!

---

A Gal in St. Paul There is a nice gal in St. Paul. She likes my poem 'bout the wall.   Say so, my dear,   I'm happy to hear. Did any read "Last Dance" at all?

---

A Reader near Boise A reader that hails from near Boise, She thinks that my page looks quite noisy.   Critique it! Write shrewdly!   I won't respond rudely. It's not as though I'm from New Joisey! (My apologies to the people of the great state of New Jersey for any offense that I may have caused.)

---

A Man from Nantucket There once was a man from Nantucket. He started a note then did chuck it.   You're not painting Monets.   Now grow some cojones! I care enough that---oh, fuck it.

---

These limericks were composed for Love Our Lurkers, a wonderful tradition started by Bonnie at My Bottom Smarts.  Love Our Lurkers is a chance for us bloggers to show our appreciation to those who read our site, but for whatever reason choose not to comment.  The other purpose, of course, is to encourage these lurkers to de-lurk: that is, to take the plunge and leave a comment.  So let me say that I am grateful for all the readers of my blog, be they participants or lurkers.  I hope that you enjoy what you find here.  If you lurk at Ecce Spanko, or are just stopping by now, please consider leaving a comment on this post and on any others you wish.  I consider most of my posts timeless, so there's no need to be hesitant about leaving comments on stuff I wrote a while ago.  Be sure also to visit the many other sites participating in LOL.

Credits:

• Photo of swell ass courtesy of Ass Attack!, author unknown.
• Image composition of Shakespeare and spanked lady by Dioneo Daspanca.  I forget where the component images come from, except that the brush comes from the famous Norman Rockwell illustration.
• Handshake frame from Predator, acquired from Google Images.
• Photo of lady fishing by Andrew Lucas, via Tush.
• Photo of lady standing at wall courtesy of Time Out! via MarQe's Study.
• Photo of schoolgirl from SpankingScenes, via Poppy's Submissions.  Enhanced by Dioneo Daspanca.
• Photo of man fishing off Nantucket acquired from Google Images.

High/Low Captions #1

Connoisseurs of the adult blogosphere know that the captioned photograph is a popular theme. (Or is that "meme"?)  I've often enjoyed captioned photos as a reader and have intended to incorporate them more into Ecce Spanko for some time.  But I'm so indecisive.  As I look at any given photo, I can't decide whether to try to be poetic or cheeky.  So I'll hedge my bets and hope that you'll enjoy at least one of my takes on each image.

---

Sudden soft steps sensed behind, she turns.
Is she startled by her cat or by her lover?

Try as I may, I could not get a good shot of her pussy.

---

After a moment lost in imagined embrace,
the warrior returns to battle,
as much a tiger upon the court 
as a kitten betwixt the sheets.

I have a sudden urge to play volleyball right now.

---

In the midst of night,
a bird takes flight
as a feathering breeze delivers delight.

Okay, I concede that stroke was a little too hard.

---

Photo of leaping pussy courtesy of La Dolce Vita, original author unknown.
Photo of volleyball player courtesy of Pepe Boricua, Booty Hunter.  Original author unknown.
Photo of airbone, naked lady courtesy of Here to Stay, via Sexydeer.  Original author unknown.

Cooking Lessons: Leftovers

Here are a few image compositions that I put together for "Cooking Lessons."  I didn't use them in the essay mainly for lack of space, but also because they didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped.  Better compositions (in my opinion) can be found in Part 3 especially.

"Ya gotta find the sweet spot
on these rumps, boy."

Photo of Emeril Lagasse acquired from Google Images. Photo of bent over lady courtesy of Lupus Spanking. Composition by Dioneo Daspanca.

"Is she well done enough for you, sir?
Or shall I roast her some more?"

Photo of ladies from Muki's Kitchen. Wooden spoon acquired from Google Images. Composition by Dioneo Daspanca.

I didn't do anything to this last one, nor does it have anything to do with spanking, but if you haven't seen Rachael Ray "threading" corn, you definitely should.  You can find the video by googling "rachael ray corn porn".

Bon appetit!

Cooking Lessons: Part 3 of 3

In Part 1 of this work, I began an examination what spankos and cooks can learn from each other. I built on this theme in Part 2, and left off with a lament about the relative paucity of the spanko vocabulary compared to the culinary one.

Lapses in perkiness will not be tolerated.

Beyond lexical development, it would be nice to see adult spanking enter into mainstream culture the way cooking has. We already have celebrity spankos, now all they need is a cable network! Audrey Knight would make a fine host of 40 Whallops a Day and 30-Minute Ordeals. Richard Windsor could be our Al Roker with Richard on the Road, or our Brian Boitano with How Would Ricard Windsor Spank?  And Thomas and Cookie could start new TV franchises like the Birchwood Cooking Academy and the Cookie Jar.

Hopefully, we could convince some of our beloved spanko bloggers to take their shows to the televised medium. Todd and Suzy could host All-American Spanking Festivals and could use their novel dieting technique in Healty Appetite with Todd and Suzy. Perhaps Bonnie could be our Barebutt Contessa, or start a new show called Sunday Brunch. I hope Miss Pink will take the Bobby Flay role, as she'd be a sure fit for Pulldown! and Toy Meets Girl. We'll need game shows, of course, because that's the thing to do these days. Let's recruit the creators of Chopped and have them develop for spanko bloggers called Chrossed, with big hits as the prize.

But we'd need more folks to step up! Who will host Bash the Behind or 5 Implement Fix or Have Paddle, Will Travel? There are so many Food Network shows crying for spanko-adaptation. Hell, we wouldn't even need to change the names of Glutton for Punishment, Unwrapped, Sarah's Secrets, Gotta Get It, Spice & Easy, Secret Life Of..., or Take It Off. Of course, I worry that our SpankoTV would follow the course of the Food Network (not to mention the History Channel and MTV) and come to air all sorts of content except actual spanking. But I digress.

"Aw, yah!  BAM!"

Okay, so cooking beats spanking in mainstream acceptance. I'll bet though, that when cooking enthusiasts get together, they don't have nearly as much fun as when spankos do. I've yet to attend a spanking party, but from what I hear, they're quite a scream. When cooks get together, at least in my opinion, the fun is in the eating--well, and the drinking, but that's another essay.

Perhaps one day, I'll host my friends to a spanking dinner party. Oh, the menu I would prepare! What better appetizer for my little corner of spankotopia than a slice of spanakopita? For a first course, I'd serve a dish I call "jicama Daspanca"—it would be sure to get the attention of the crowd. To cleanse the palate and clean the slate, I'd provide an entremet that would have the ladies shouting its name: "Oh, miso sorbet!" Then, for the main course, I'd unveil a roasted rump in a cherry red wine reduction, along with a little deer seated on beet buns. As a side, each guest would have an endive stuffed with ginger. And for dessert, perhaps a red velvet bunt cake, topped, of course, with whipped cream. It would be quite a feast! Of course, we'd also have after-dinner entertainment and parlor games, but I won't bore you with those right now.

As my risotto approached fruition, I concluded that cooking and spanking share a key trait that underlies my love for each: the exertions of the process are cathartic and the results savory. I can only hope that I find as much intellectual and corporeal stimulation in my exploration of spanking as I have with cooking. I certainly wish I embraced the former as early in my life as I did the latter.

Photo of Rachael Ray courtesy of Life Magazine.  Photo of Audrey Knight courtesy of Spanking360.  Composition by Dioneo Daspanca.

Photo of Emeril Lagasse acquired from Google Images.  Photo of spanked lady courtesy of BritSpank.  Composition by Dioneo Daspanca.

Thank you to Barely Pink for reviewing a draft of this essay.

Cooking Lessons: Part 2 of 3

In Part 1 of my risotto-induced reflection, I wrote on the importance of patience common to both the culinary and disciplinary arts. In particular, these activities require the patience to learn a new craft.

In learning about spanking, as in learning about cooking, use of the internet is incredibly useful. Granted, before the rise of the web, aspiring cooks had books, whereas spankos had few places to look. If only we had a Julia to instruct us in our fine art on PBS. Fortunately, I'm young enough that, by the time I was emotionally ready to accept my interest in spanking, the wonderful wide world of the web was waiting for me. Whether I need to know what to do with an obscure ingredient I picked up at the market, or I need a role-play idea, the internet is an invaluable tool.

If you're really naughty,
you get the strainer.

Speaking of tools...ah yes, the tools. Sometimes I wonder if spanking and cooking are just manifestations of a broader implement fetish. Obviously, there are the implements common to each: the wooden spoons, the plastic spatulas, the cutting/paddling boards. I should note here that, Mila's sword performance notwithstanding, I think cutlery should generally be kept away from a person's naughty parts. But more generally, we clearly appreciate the importance of having the appropriate technology. Sure, substitution and ingenuity are also key, but nothing beats having the right tool. I once tried to grind peppercorns with a rolling pin, an experiment that will not be repeated. Someone once spanked me with a pewter salad spoon, another experiment that will not be repeated.

And you thought you had
a freaky implement fetish.

Just as many people have preferred implements, so too do many have preferred styles and methods. Of course, some have strong opinions on tools, styles, and methods, and don't hesitate to impress them upon others. In this area, I've actually been able to draw on lessons from spanking culture and apply them to my culinary pursuits. I occasionally cross paths with individuals who view cuisine rather rigidly. You know the type: "This dish must be prepared only in this way." Frankly, I just wish more of these Kitchen Castros would explore spanking: they could certainly learn a lot from our world. Plus, they could really use a good spanking. Anyway, I use to argue with these people, but my spanko experience has taught the value of the phrase "TEHO" ("To Each, His/Her Own"), which is now my preferred parry in culinary conflicts. I am reminded of a time when I was berated by a dinner guest for "Americanizing" bratwurst, adulterating the sacred German traditions of how to serve it. Today, I would just say "TEHO" and enjoy my meal. Truth is, I don't really recall how they serve bratwurst in Germany; I just know I like my brats with toasted buns.

There are also ways in which other spankos and I could benefit from further exploration of cooking. The spanking world is clearly less developed than the cooking world. This statement shouldn't surprise anyone, given that the cooking world has had its Joy of Cooking and Le Cordon Bleu for some time. Such resources and institutions do not yet exist for spanking, though we may dream of such a day. The contrast is especially noteworthy when we consider the richness of culinary vocabulary. I can do better than "slice" an eggplant: I can "battonet" or "alumette" or "julienne" it. We have terms for these particular sizes of rectangular cuts. But can I do more precisely than to "spank" a naughty girl? I could deliver a slap that ricochets off the upturned cheek, provoking that exquisite jiggle. Or my hand could land more heavily and perpendicular, my fingers then bending around the curve of the flesh. Yet we have no terms in use to distinguish these or any other strikes, or at least none of which I'm aware. I love our words, no doubt, but the lingua spanka is somewhat shallow.

"You burn my buns, I burn yours!"

Over time, especially as social networks among us further mature. I'm confident that the spanko glossary will grow. For now, maybe I can fill the void by borrowing from the culinary lexicon. The next time I've bared a brat, instead of the usual banter, perhaps I'll try something like the following:

Stand there, you mischievous minx,

As I sauté your bottom

And make you jump en flambé.

Then I'll roll you around my lap

And chiffonade your cheeks

Until you fall to pieces.

Will my diction make her melt? Or will it merely get her steamed?

In the concluding part of this essay, I discuss ways in which we might celebrate spanking like we do cooking.

Photo of Giada De Laurentiis acquired from Google Images.  I can not find the source of the photo of lady in white shirt spanking another lady with a spatula.

Photo of smiling lady at the stove by Mark Frank at F/lthyGorgeousTh/ngs, via Cantiknya. Old photo of woman spanking maid with pot courtesy of the Spanking Blog. Composition by Dioneo Daspanca.

Cooking Lessons: Part 1 of 3

Contestant:	"I'll take 'Multisensory Activities' for $500, Alex."
Alex:	"'This undertaking generates a lot of heat and often ends in tears.'"
Contestant:	"What is...spanking?"
Alex:	"Um...no, I'm sorry, we were looking for 'baking', 'What is baking?' You, sir, are a pervert. Next up..."

I am relatively new to the practice of spanking. Not the idea, mind you, nor the desire, nor the fantasy, nor the consumption of literature on the subject, nor of its performance art. But the practice, yes. I have little experience on which to draw. As a good interdisciplinarian, my approach is therefore to rely on expertise gained from other fields that might help me to be a better spanker.

As I surveyed my other hobbies for applicable knowledge, I was at first skeptical that cooking could provide such insights. I readily see the link between cooking and pursuits like building train sets, tuning engines, or computer programming. Hackery sure, but smackery? Spanking is inextricably collaborative. Cooking is not, or at least no more so than painting. I get very little out of self-spanking--it is integrally incomplete--but I'm perfectly fulfilled being the only one in the kitchen. To me at least, cooking is solitary and spanking social. Would this not preclude a connection between these activities? Alas, my analyses are never so concise.

"Um, what happens if I've
overcooked the pasta?"

One night, I found myself thinking more deeply about the associated marvels of the culinary and disciplinary arts. Maybe it was the meditative tedium of stirring risotto, the yantra of the arborio in its broth. Or maybe it was the timber touch of the spoon guiding the kernels along their course. Would my experience over a stove help me in heating someone over my knee? Would I be as attuned to the constitution of a cussed as I am to the condition of a custard? Incidentally, I also wondered how many of my favorite food celebrities are also into spanking--so Giada, if you're out there, love, please send me a message.

Perhaps because of the dish I was preparing at the time, the patience that cooking teaches was the first thought that came to mind. Within my first couple of spanking experiences, I realized that reddening butt was quite different than browning meat. Such crimsoning is more akin to making a roux, requiring care and attention to the progression and distribution of color. I'll admit that, on more than one occasion, impatience has led me to burn my flower, making her reluctant to revisit my kitchen.

Cooking has also taught me patience in another sense: that is, patience in learning a craft. I've taken this lesson to spanking as well. It is as easy to dabble in spanking as in cooking. With each, however, there is a lot to learn. And there is definitely such thing as skill. I can't just put on a toque blanche and call myself a master chef. Nor would I be able to satisfy every itchy sub just because I had chosen "Spanker" in my SpankoLife profile. The first time I tried to peel a tomato, I ended up with a pulpy, red mess. Were I to all of a sudden take up a cane, I fear that the first time around I'd end up with the same.

In the next part of this essay, I will consider the common importance of tools as well as some key ways in which the two communities can learn from each other.

Photo "Львица домашняя" ("Lioness Home") by Alexxei, via Visual Clips.  Photo of lady opening pot courtesy of Curvature, original source unkown.  Photo of pears enhanced by Dioneo Daspanca, original source unknown.

Apology Limerick

"Worry not, dear readers!
I will surely convey your
displeasure to this slacker!"

So shameful this blog that I've hosted,
Approaching a week since I've posted.
   I haven't had time,
   For spanko-themed rhyme.
It should be my butt that gets toasted!

In other words, I apologize that I have neglected you, dear readers. I hope that my current dearth of time and inspiration is short-lived and that I may soon return to posting regularly.

Some Sunday Silliness

Take a guess at how much that stormtrooper action figure you're now holding is worth.

Um, five bucks?

Ha! No, my collectors guide values it at $18.20. It's from the early 80s.

Aren't you from the early 80s?

I am, you brat. Now guess how much that same action figure was worth before you removed it from its original packaging.

$18.20?

No, my dear, $129.50.

That's crazy! What kind of nerd would pay that much money for a little doll?

It's an 'action figure'. And there are a lot of wealthy nerds out there with nostalgia for their youth.

Were you ever going to sell it?

No, of course not.

Well then how is the market value relevant?

Because it...that's not the point. You still devalued it.

Fine, I'm sorry I devalued your dolly.

'Action figure'! And you surely will be sorry. I'm going to have to think about how to best punish you.

I have a feeling I'm getting a spanking.

Of course, my love, but it has to be a fitting punishment.

You're not going to spank me with your plastic lightsaber again, are you?

Tempting, but no, I don't want to put more dents in it.

Is there any way I can make it up to you without getting my bum spanked? How about if I call you 'Han Solo' again while we're making love?

Hmm, don't think so.

'Emperor Palpatine'?

Mmmm, Dark Side sex...tempting, but no, you need to be punished.

You could make me sit through the original trilogy again.

But that wouldn't be...you're just bratting now. Maybe, though, I will make you sit through them, on a very sore butt that is.

What if I put my hair in those cinnabun things?

Nah, not worth it. But I do wish I had a stormtrooper costume. That would make the spanking fit the crime beautifully.

Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?

Now you're being mean, and only increasing your punishment.

No, I'm not. Mean would be if I said that when you took your skivvies off.

Let's not go there. You're in enough trouble as it is.

Oh, just spank me and get it over with, fly boy.

As you wish. I tell you what, I'm going to spank you with the overture playing...

It could be worse...

...with the bathbrush.

Oh, come on!

Ready?

Put that thing away!

Here we go...dah dah dah Daaaah...

Ooh! Please... Ah!

Hopefully this will teach you not to touch my collectors' items.

Aahh! Grrrr. The more you tighten your grip, the more dollies will slip through your fingers--Ow!

Keep it up, missy. Your ass is going to be as sore as a Tusken Raider's after a long day of Bantha riding.

Ouch! No way, your powers are weak, old man.

I'm 29.

Aiee! Still, you don't have the endurance to swing that brush for long.

I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Owweee!

You are such a brat! I bet that brat Leia is your favorite character.

Aah, ow! Nuh uh, my fave is Jar Jar Binks. Oww!

You better stop being so fresh, else that trooper will storm Uranus.

Only you could be so bold. Aahh!

Your ass is getting as red as the planet Yavin.

Oh, mmm, I'm sorry I took your 'action figure' out of its packaging.

Good, I hope you learned your lesson. But you're grounded for the rest of the week.

Aww, but I was going out to pick up some power converters...

Worst... Ouch! line... Aaah! ever! Owwwww!

Have you had enough?  You know what I want to hear from you.
Oh, don't make me say it.  It's so stupid--Ouch!
I grow tired of your resistance.  Tell me what I want to hear.
Fine... Dantooine.
You see, I knew you could be reasonable.  Now, do you have anything else to say for yourself?

Well, there is one thing...

What's that?

While you have the bathbrush out and all, we should talk about what I may have done with your Indiana Jones collection...


Image courtesy of Tush.

Muse Flash: Shakespeare was a Spanko

Spanker of the Mind and Body

CHICAGO, April 26 (AP) -- Did you know that William Shakespeare, often considered the greatest playwright in the history of the English language, was a spanko? A typical fan of fannies will recognize the leading line from his spanko version of Hamlet's famous soliloquy: "To spank, or not to spank,--wait, there's no question" (III.i). But are you aware that Macbeth was originally envisioned as a BDSM comedy, where "Nice is naughty, and naughty is nice" (I.i)?

A landmark study out of the University of Chicago (where else?) has struck the world of Shakespearean literature with its findings. Drawing on a newly discovered collection of the Bard's scratch work, the research team has uncovered startling insights into Shakespeare's inspiration. "Our goal is to bare it all," said the study's lead author, Professor Slender Escanes.

Spankophilic scholars have long suspected Shakespeare as having tushist proclivities. Scattered hints to the Bard's credentials permeate his body of work, including the presence of characters such as Bottom (A Midsummer-Night's Dream), Pinch (Comedy of Errors), and of course Dr. Butts (King Henry VIII). Now, however, Prof. Escanes's research team has been able to provide concrete evidence that Shakespeare's known plays were in fact derived from spankodramas that the playwright felt unable to publish as originally composed.

For example, the dramatist apparently intended Calphurnia's plea to Caesar not as a foreboding vision of the great warrior's death, but as a bratty protest against the ritualistic lesbian exhibitionism and discipline to which she was routinely subject.

Calphurnia:	Caesar, I never stood on ceremonies,
	Yet now they fright me...
	Ladies did lay, and spying men did moan;
	And girls did shriek and squeal about the sheets.
	O Caesar, spankings are unwelcome news,
	And I do fear them!
(Julius Caesar II.ii)

The trove of documents, found standing in the corner in an old Victorian manor, contained thousands of pages, parchment scraps, and Stick-Ye Notices from Elizabethan times. Acquired from a flea market by a long deceased implement collector, the documents are like pieces of an unassembled puzzle. Each scrap contains a few verses that resemble Shakespeare's known writing, and yet, convey a fascination--some would say obsession--with spanking and related activities. While their work is ongoing, Prof. Escanes and his team have been able to recognize parallels of many known verses and have pieced together heretofore unknown interpretations of several of the Bard's most famous plays.

Consider the Scottish play whose name many dare not utter. While Macbeth (oops) has been adapted to other contexts and interpretations by dramatists over the centuries, the documents reveal it to have been originally a very different tale. Most drama lovers understand the character Macbeth to be a murderous usurper who tests fate, becomes consumed by narcissism, and destroys everything around him. But initially, he was just a Wiccan-loving sadist who got off on tanning his lady every now and then. In the original version of one of the play's famous scenes, we see the Scottish thane is merely badgering his naughty wife while she bawls over his lap, her chastisement about to commence.

Macbeth:	Whence is that crying?
	How is't with me, when every scream enthralls me?
	What hands are here? Hah! The tears from thine eyes
	Will fill great Neptune's ocean. Watch this flood!
	Free from my hand? No; this my hand will rather
	The maxiglutean cheeks incarnadine,
	Making the pale ones red.
(Macbeth II.i)

Look, as I blow this feather from my face,
As she surely knows what for her awaits,
Obliging with this hand when she is good,
And wielding with my other when she's not.

Upon discovery, the collection immediately drew the attention of scholars. The American Shakespearean Society joined forces with Todd and Suzy to prepare, with economy of acronym, a painstaking analysis of the archive. Professor Escanes was tapped to instruct and lead a research team.

The team's first task was to ease access to the Annals of Anne Hathaway, as the collection of texts came to be called. The Board of Bard Discipline, which held the access rights to the Annals, initially was quite retentive, citing several sensitive matters that first needed to be addressed. When asked about the sensitivity of the Annals, Professor Escanes pointed out a figure in the Annals synopsis. "It is a burning issue," the professor remarked as he gingerly explained the recorded incidents of inappropriate access. The Board had allowed the professor a peak at its Annals, but required a show of greater discipline among the team. The research team was eventually able to negotiate entry to a wider part of the collection, even soothing the sting caused by such rough application of the Board's policies.

Once the Annals were fully exposed, the digitization could begin. Only then was the team able to delicately probe the archives to glean insights into Shakespeare's repressed spankanima. While the team worked in secret, their exertions were leaked before completion to the Pink Report, which barely published the premature emission (the leakers now face disciplinary inaction).

Among the first controversies settled by the team was Shakespeare's role preference. Given his uncanny ability to discover and elucidate all sides of the human soul, the team readily concluded that Shakespeare was a switch. "Switches make the best playwrights," the professor explained. The Bard's acuity in both roles is demonstrated throughout the spanko verses. On the one hand, he dishes out verbal torments on par with the most able spanker, such as in Richard III: "Bratty thou art, bloodshot will be thy end!" (IV.iv). On the other hand, his submissive characters often deliver exquisitely sassy lines as well, as with Portia to Brutus: "With an angry wafture of your hand, gave sign for me to peeve you" (Julius Caesar II.i).

As the team examined the archives further, they turned up a number of interesting finds. For instance, The Taming of the Shrew has been long thought to be among the most M/F of Shakespeare's plays. In its original form, however, it is interestingly far more balanced. With the spanko version of Shrew, one finds a story of a battle of wits and will between a dom and domme, mistakenly matched up by Spankfinder.

Katharina:	I knew at the first
	You were a submissive.
Petruchio:	What, me a submissive?
Katharina:	A pain-slut. [strikes]
Petruchio:	Thou hast hit me: come, over my knee.
Katharina:	Asses are made to bare, and I will you.
Petruchio:	Women are made to bare, and I will you.
Katharina:	No such play for you, if me you mean.
Petruchio:	Alas, pet Kate, I will not humor thee!
	For, spanking thee for me would give delight,--
Katharina:	Delight for me is pain for you, you bitch;
	And bet as heavy that my hand will be.
Petruchio:	Spank me? should---bah
Katharina:	Well tanned, and like a sissy.
Petruchio:	O bend o'er bad girl! shall a paddle make thee!
Katharina:	Ay, for a subbie, as he takes a lickin'.
Petruchio:	Come, come, you wasp; i' truth, you are too bratty.
Katharina:	If I be waspish, best beware my sting.
Petruchio:	My remedy is then, to pluck it out.
Katharina:	Ay, if the fool could find it where it lies,
Petruchio:	Who knows not where a brat will
	wear her sting? In her tail.
Katharina:	With your tongue.
Petruchio:	Why tongue?
Katharina:	Sure, if you talk of tails: and so lie back.
Petruchio:	What, put my tongue in your tail? nay, come again,
	Pet Kate; I am a dominant—
(The Taming of the Shrew II.i)

The team struggled to fill several gaping holes in the spanko representation of Shakespeare's body of work. Even after a few months of probing the documents, the team could not find clues to the origin of Romeo and Juliet. The team called on an expert, Bonnie, M.B.S, to assist in the uncovering. Bonnie's investigation found that Romeo and Juliet was originally a story of two spanking neophytes exploring their newly discovered kink, as evidenced by the following verse:

Romeo:	O, squirm again, bright angel! for thine ass
	Is glorious to my sight, being o'er my knee
	As if a pale, supple gift of heaven.
	Onto the white-upturned butt and back thighs
	My right palm doth fall quick a blaze on them.
	Then my finger makes lazy-pacing rounds
	And trails along the valley of the rear.
Juliet:	O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore touch there, Romeo?
	Deny thy pleasure and refuse thy game;
	Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
	And I'll no longer be a devilet.
Romeo:	[Aside] Shall I tease more, or shall I spank at this?
(Romeo and Juliet II.ii)

The team was very impressed with Bonnie's work and awarded her their Special Chair of Spankosophical Wit for her contributions.

She casts her mind to Crimson Moon:
in most strange postures
we will see her set herself.

Antony and Cleopatra remains a play on which there persists a lack of evidence, perplexing the team. "It would be very striking if Shakespeare didn't see a spanko story here," remarked Escanes. "I mean, with all the whipping and hitting and threatening dialog... I mean, come on, it has to be written by a spanko. Besides, it's a historical fact that Cleopatra was one kinky bitch." In fact, the leading hypothesis among the team was that Antony and Cleopatra was published in its original form. "It's basically a spanking play as it is," Escanes claimed, "the whole historical plot is secondary."

As with most Shakespearean scholarship, controversy arose among the team as to the authorship of the work. Did the man from Stratford-upon-Avon that we identify as William Shakespeare really write these plays? A faction arose that claimed it was all just the work of Sir Richard of Windsor, but in the end, the Stratfordian view dominated.

The research has also generated controversy from the vanilla world, where spanko disciplinary studies are often dismissed as a passing kink in a scholar's otherwise straight-laced career. Escanes assures us, however, that he has been committed to the field since his early days and that the discipline is truly needed. "Will we ever be able to convert more 'normal' Shakespearean scholars to our worldview?" the professor asked rhetorically. "I really don't know. Vanillas are so weird."

Escanes also described an incident at a conference in Cincinnati last year, where a vanilla studies scholar took issue with the team's emphasis on what she called "violent imagery" in the plays. "Clearly," Escanes chuckled, "she had never actually read any of Shakespeare's published dramas." The professor pointed out that many scenes in the Annals version are actually less macabre. For example, whereas in the standard version the moor Othello strangles his wife to death out of jealousy and suspicion, in the Annals version he merely provides her sound, but loving correction.

Othello:	One more, one more.
	Be thus when thou art bad, and I punish thee
	And love thee after. One more, and that's the last.
	So sweet was ne'er so painful. You must weep,
	But they are just tears. This paddle's heavenly,
	It strikes where it doth love.
(Othello V.ii)

Methinks I am a playwright new inspired.

Escanes wished he could say that all of the spankotexts were clear improvements on the standard versions of the plays. However, he pointed out that in Two Gentleman of Verona, Shakespeare had originally written, "That man that hath a hand, I say, is no man, if with his hand he cannot spank a woman." (III.i). "Men tend to like the spanko version," explained Escanes, who then conceded, "but among women, even spanko women, the standard text is preferred in this instance."

Prof. Escanes emphasized that there was much more work to be done in examining the original versions. Many passages have still not been found. Escanes and the team are currently recruiting spanko scholars from all over the world to search through Shakespeare's work and unveil the spanko variants.

Escanes was dismissive of the prospect that his findings would stimulate a great deal more interest in Shakespearean literature among spankophiles. "Spankos are human beings, and they need no other reason than that to read Shakespeare," he stated. When asked about what spankos around the world could best learn from Shakespeare's work, the professor turned his head to gaze out his window and sighed in momentary reflection. He then, curiously, quoted Ophelia from the standard version of the Danish prince's tale: "We know what we are, but know not what we may be." (Hamlet IV.v)

This parody has been republished from Spankolife by the author.