Cooking Lessons: Part 2 of 3

In Part 1 of my risotto-induced reflection, I wrote on the importance of patience common to both the culinary and disciplinary arts. In particular, these activities require the patience to learn a new craft.

In learning about spanking, as in learning about cooking, use of the internet is incredibly useful. Granted, before the rise of the web, aspiring cooks had books, whereas spankos had few places to look. If only we had a Julia to instruct us in our fine art on PBS. Fortunately, I'm young enough that, by the time I was emotionally ready to accept my interest in spanking, the wonderful wide world of the web was waiting for me. Whether I need to know what to do with an obscure ingredient I picked up at the market, or I need a role-play idea, the internet is an invaluable tool.

If you're really naughty,
you get the strainer.

Speaking of tools...ah yes, the tools. Sometimes I wonder if spanking and cooking are just manifestations of a broader implement fetish. Obviously, there are the implements common to each: the wooden spoons, the plastic spatulas, the cutting/paddling boards. I should note here that, Mila's sword performance notwithstanding, I think cutlery should generally be kept away from a person's naughty parts. But more generally, we clearly appreciate the importance of having the appropriate technology. Sure, substitution and ingenuity are also key, but nothing beats having the right tool. I once tried to grind peppercorns with a rolling pin, an experiment that will not be repeated. Someone once spanked me with a pewter salad spoon, another experiment that will not be repeated.

And you thought you had
a freaky implement fetish.

Just as many people have preferred implements, so too do many have preferred styles and methods. Of course, some have strong opinions on tools, styles, and methods, and don't hesitate to impress them upon others. In this area, I've actually been able to draw on lessons from spanking culture and apply them to my culinary pursuits. I occasionally cross paths with individuals who view cuisine rather rigidly. You know the type: "This dish must be prepared only in this way." Frankly, I just wish more of these Kitchen Castros would explore spanking: they could certainly learn a lot from our world. Plus, they could really use a good spanking. Anyway, I use to argue with these people, but my spanko experience has taught the value of the phrase "TEHO" ("To Each, His/Her Own"), which is now my preferred parry in culinary conflicts. I am reminded of a time when I was berated by a dinner guest for "Americanizing" bratwurst, adulterating the sacred German traditions of how to serve it. Today, I would just say "TEHO" and enjoy my meal. Truth is, I don't really recall how they serve bratwurst in Germany; I just know I like my brats with toasted buns.

There are also ways in which other spankos and I could benefit from further exploration of cooking. The spanking world is clearly less developed than the cooking world. This statement shouldn't surprise anyone, given that the cooking world has had its Joy of Cooking and Le Cordon Bleu for some time. Such resources and institutions do not yet exist for spanking, though we may dream of such a day. The contrast is especially noteworthy when we consider the richness of culinary vocabulary. I can do better than "slice" an eggplant: I can "battonet" or "alumette" or "julienne" it. We have terms for these particular sizes of rectangular cuts. But can I do more precisely than to "spank" a naughty girl? I could deliver a slap that ricochets off the upturned cheek, provoking that exquisite jiggle. Or my hand could land more heavily and perpendicular, my fingers then bending around the curve of the flesh. Yet we have no terms in use to distinguish these or any other strikes, or at least none of which I'm aware. I love our words, no doubt, but the lingua spanka is somewhat shallow.

"You burn my buns, I burn yours!"

Over time, especially as social networks among us further mature. I'm confident that the spanko glossary will grow. For now, maybe I can fill the void by borrowing from the culinary lexicon. The next time I've bared a brat, instead of the usual banter, perhaps I'll try something like the following:

Stand there, you mischievous minx,

As I sauté your bottom

And make you jump en flambé.

Then I'll roll you around my lap

And chiffonade your cheeks

Until you fall to pieces.

Will my diction make her melt? Or will it merely get her steamed?

In the concluding part of this essay, I discuss ways in which we might celebrate spanking like we do cooking.

Photo of Giada De Laurentiis acquired from Google Images.  I can not find the source of the photo of lady in white shirt spanking another lady with a spatula.

Photo of smiling lady at the stove by Mark Frank at F/lthyGorgeousTh/ngs, via Cantiknya. Old photo of woman spanking maid with pot courtesy of the Spanking Blog. Composition by Dioneo Daspanca.