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Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Cooking Lessons: Part 3 of 3

In Part 1 of this work, I began an examination what spankos and cooks can learn from each other. I built on this theme in Part 2, and left off with a lament about the relative paucity of the spanko vocabulary compared to the culinary one.

Lapses in perkiness will not be tolerated.
Beyond lexical development, it would be nice to see adult spanking enter into mainstream culture the way cooking has. We already have celebrity spankos, now all they need is a cable network! Audrey Knight would make a fine host of 40 Whallops a Day and 30-Minute Ordeals. Richard Windsor could be our Al Roker with Richard on the Road, or our Brian Boitano with How Would Ricard Windsor Spank?  And Thomas and Cookie could start new TV franchises like the Birchwood Cooking Academy and the Cookie Jar.

Hopefully, we could convince some of our beloved spanko bloggers to take their shows to the televised medium. Todd and Suzy could host All-American Spanking Festivals and could use their novel dieting technique in Healty Appetite with Todd and Suzy. Perhaps Bonnie could be our Barebutt Contessa, or start a new show called Sunday Brunch. I hope Miss Pink will take the Bobby Flay role, as she'd be a sure fit for Pulldown! and Toy Meets Girl. We'll need game shows, of course, because that's the thing to do these days. Let's recruit the creators of Chopped and have them develop for spanko bloggers called Chrossed, with big hits as the prize.

But we'd need more folks to step up! Who will host Bash the Behind or 5 Implement Fix or Have Paddle, Will Travel? There are so many Food Network shows crying for spanko-adaptation. Hell, we wouldn't even need to change the names of Glutton for Punishment, Unwrapped, Sarah's Secrets, Gotta Get It, Spice & Easy, Secret Life Of..., or Take It Off. Of course, I worry that our SpankoTV would follow the course of the Food Network (not to mention the History Channel and MTV) and come to air all sorts of content except actual spanking. But I digress.

"Aw, yah!  BAM!"
Okay, so cooking beats spanking in mainstream acceptance. I'll bet though, that when cooking enthusiasts get together, they don't have nearly as much fun as when spankos do. I've yet to attend a spanking party, but from what I hear, they're quite a scream. When cooks get together, at least in my opinion, the fun is in the eating--well, and the drinking, but that's another essay.

Perhaps one day, I'll host my friends to a spanking dinner party. Oh, the menu I would prepare! What better appetizer for my little corner of spankotopia than a slice of spanakopita? For a first course, I'd serve a dish I call "jicama Daspanca"—it would be sure to get the attention of the crowd. To cleanse the palate and clean the slate, I'd provide an entremet that would have the ladies shouting its name: "Oh, miso sorbet!" Then, for the main course, I'd unveil a roasted rump in a cherry red wine reduction, along with a little deer seated on beet buns. As a side, each guest would have an endive stuffed with ginger. And for dessert, perhaps a red velvet bunt cake, topped, of course, with whipped cream. It would be quite a feast! Of course, we'd also have after-dinner entertainment and parlor games, but I won't bore you with those right now.

As my risotto approached fruition, I concluded that cooking and spanking share a key trait that underlies my love for each: the exertions of the process are cathartic and the results savory. I can only hope that I find as much intellectual and corporeal stimulation in my exploration of spanking as I have with cooking. I certainly wish I embraced the former as early in my life as I did the latter.

Photo of Rachael Ray courtesy of Life Magazine.  Photo of Audrey Knight courtesy of Spanking360.  Composition by Dioneo Daspanca.

Photo of Emeril Lagasse acquired from Google Images.  Photo of spanked lady courtesy of BritSpank.  Composition by Dioneo Daspanca.

Thank you to Barely Pink for reviewing a draft of this essay.


  1. Oh... Spanking TV, spanking party... So much fun! From your delightful menu, though, I would wait anxiously for the dessert... with lots of whipped cream ; )
    I enjoyed very much your 'cooking lessons' and your creativity!
    (That first pic is me, laughing at my spanker's choice of vocabulary!)

  2. Thank you so much, R! You'd definitely be invited to the party. ;) I'm very glad you enjoyed the essay and I appreciate your comments.

  3. **These photos are hilarious! I very much enjoyed this post and the entire series. Yes, SpankoTV and a spanking dinner party. It would be a hit!

  4. Thanks, Anonymous! You're surely invited to the party too. With the proliferation of cable channels, I don't why SpankoTV hasn't come on the air already. I'm mean really, that's entertainment!