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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Last Christmas: The Spanko Version

My lovely readers, it's the most wonderful time of the year!  One of the things I love most about the season is its music.  The merry, the sacred, the mundane: I smile when I hear it all!

...well, almost.  There are some songs of the season that I can hardly stomach.  Now. the Christmas songbook reaches back centuries and just about every artist in that last fifty years has put out a Christmas album—most of them good.  Yet the radio and whatever musak service to which retailers subscribe seem to regurgitate the same playlist over and over and over again.  Most of these songs are just fine for the first few listens.  But by late December...bah, humbug!

Which brings me to Wham!  Damn Wham!  If I sound all worked up, it's only because the duo conspired in their naming so that one can not state, but only exclaim, about Wham!  I consider myself quite appreciative of a broad spectrum of music, but frankly, their songs make me want to go-go jump-jump out of a window.

So the other day, I was standing in line for coffee when their Christmas gem started to play.  I felt my stomach drop at that oh-so-familiar, synthesized introduction.  My first instinct was to flee, but...well, I really needed that coffee.  As a coping mechanism, inspired by Bonnie's work over the years, I tried to mold the song into something this spanko can smile at again.  In the spirit of the season, and in hope that it will aid you should you find yourself, without earmuffs, in the same situation, I thought I'd share with you what I came up with.

If it's not already on a loop in your head, here's the original:


The song has a rather irregular meter, so some of my modifications to the verses don't fit with Mr. Michael's utterances exactly.  But anyway, enjoy the butt-smacking rendition.



Last Christmas (spanko version)

Last Christmas, I spanked you real hard,
But the very next day, the sting went away.
This year, to double the tears,
I'll spank you with somethin' special.

Last Christmas, I spanked you so long,
But the very next day, a brat anyway.
This year, to be more severe,
I'll spank you with somethin' special.


Lil' kitten, you know why
I keep on having to put you 'cross my thigh.
Tell me baby, will you learn your lesson?
Well, if not, girl, it wouldn't surprise none. 

(Gonna spank you) I'll show you that I meant it
With this paddle—I hope I don't dent it.
Then you'll beg me to cool your ass,
But if I grant reprieve, I know I'd just hear more sass.


Last Christmas, I spanked you real hard,
But the very next day, the sting went away.
This year, to double the tears,
I'll spank you with somethin' special.

Last Christmas, I spanked you so long,
But the very next day, a brat anyway.
This year, to be more severe,
I'll spank you with somethin' special.


And now in gloom, you have teary eyes.
Your hide now sure could melt a bowl of ice.
My dear, I know you will misbehave again soon.
Gee, I guess I will then show you the wood spoon.

A face on a lover with a fire on her bum.
A girl in the corner with cheeks dark as a plum.
Now I'll show you more love, get over my knee again.


Last Christmas, I spanked you real hard,
But the very next day, the sting went away.
This year, to double the tears,
I'll spank you with somethin' special.

Last Christmas, I spanked you so long,
But the very next day, a brat anyway.
This year, to be more severe,
I'll spank you with somethin' special.


Happy holidays to all!

15 comments:

  1. I love it! One of my favorite Christmas songs, completely improved by you.

    xoxoxo
    Libby

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  2. I love the Spanko version! I think it will become a top ten favorite. Happy Holidays!

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  3. Perfect Spanko version!

    Merry Christmas Dioneo. xoxo

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  4. Thank you, Libby, and welcome to the site! It's a delightful song in moderation. Merry Christmas!

    Thank you, Sweets! I can just hear Casey Kasem describing what it's about during his Countdown. Merry Christmas!

    Thank you, Kirsti, and Merry Christmas to you as well!

    Thank you, Frenchy, et joyeaux Noel a toi!

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  5. I love this! Haha def gonna refer some friends to it: -)

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  6. Ok, so now that song won't be so annoying when it gets stuck in my head. :)

    Merry Christmas, Dioneo!

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  7. Dioneo... genius! I think i will for ever have your version stuck in my head... I just hope I don't sing it aloud!

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  8. Thank you, Ida! Send 'em on over, everybody's welcome at the party.

    Thank you, Pink! This song really is a serial brain invader. But now we can turn it into a positive experience.

    Thank you, Cowgirl! Singing it aloud in the wrong kind of company could make for an awkward situation. But if you're ever at a spanko karaoke party, go right ahead!

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  9. Dioneo, wonderful song, excellent job! And Season and I send congratulations on this post being Chrossed. Well deserved.

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  10. Thank you, Michael, and congratulations to you as well! I hope you and Season had a wonderful Christmas.

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  11. So while I love most Christmas music, I absolutely hate that song and it seemed to be playing every single store I went in this year. Your version did make me smile! Great job, and I love your blog.

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  12. Thank you, Jenni, and welcome to the site! I agree that the song is drastically overplayed. It's a catchy tune (damn thing always gets stuck in my head), but stations should really cut back on it. I'm glad you enjoy the blog and I hope you'll stop by again!

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  13. Thanks! I've actually been lurking a while; it was your Star Wars story (some sunday silliness, I think it was titled) that drew me in!

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  14. Good to hear, Jenni! I'm glad you've followed the site and that you decided to delurk. I always love hearing from readers. I hope you stay tuned!

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